My Panic and God's Passion

So after my last blog post the day kinda tanked, not gonna lie.

Environmental Science was the most boring class ever. Of all time. Despite my attempt to pay attention, I was nonetheless exhausted from staying up late and getting up early. I barely managed to keep my eyes open long enough to get back to my dorm for an hour's rest.

Then English hit hard. I was terrified of making my presentation today. Normally I'd be in good shape making a presentation in front of any number of people, but I was in a class of super-intelligent sophomores with a presentation made by someone else. My partner only covered a third of the material we needed in the presentation, so I was forced to ad-lib almost all of it. By the time it was done I was nearing a state of panic. To top it off we ended class with a discussion on self-harm, a topic that I've never entirely experienced for myself, but a lot of people I care about have. It's a topic that brings back some rough memories. 

In an effort to relax I sat back to watch the movie Flight with Denzel Washington, which I'd been meaning to watch for a while. This was not effective. The movie started almost as a comedy, then portrayed alcohol and cocaine addiction as serious issues at first, and then by the end made it into a joke again. It was horribly depressing, and though I tried to find redeeming value in it, it was hard to do so when I was too busy being offended by its derogatory portrayal of Christians. While it was still a good film, now was not a great time to watch it. 

So basically I'm still on the edge of panic. Which is not fun, because I haven't had a panic attack in a while. I really need to learn how to let go of things. I have a pretty good memory and the unfortunate tendency to remember my worst moments the most vividly. There are certain topics that trigger these memories, and it's like I'm there all over again. I feel exactly like I did at those dark times, which is disorienting and honestly terrifying. 

So tonight's song is another Red song. Ordinary World talks about letting go of the past and looking for God in the present. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZQeq_T_2VE8 It's a lesson I think a lot of us need to learn. We spend years of our lives trying to sort out the past and never once notice the life we have here in the present. God blesses us with so much every day, and we can't let go of the things that are already behind us. I know for a fact that I'm beyond blessed to be here, and there's no doubt in my mind that this is where I belong. 

And honestly, just the thought that God is obviously looking out for me is more than enough to snap me out of this. He's given me a second home here at Trinity, friends who are the most awesome people on the planet, a family that loves and supports me, and most importantly, an incomprehensibly huge love that will be with me long after the things of this world fade away. So in that knowledge, I'm posting a second song, also by Red. Who We Are has almost become a creed for me, and reminds me of how when we are armed with the knowledge of God's love we have no need for fear. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BDM7dauRQ3M

The Road goes ever on and on

Down from the door where it began.

Now far ahead the Road has gone,

And I must follow, if I can,

Pursuing it with eager feet,

Until it joins some larger way

Where many paths and errands meet.

And whither then? I cannot say.